Mothering multiples: Breastfeeding and caring for twins (2024)

Reading this book in order to plan how you are going to raise multiples is like trying to find one book that you can read to tell you how to live your life in every possible situation that may come up in the future... no book can do this.

The author goes through many possible scenarios that can arise when mothering multiples. But because more twins are born to mothers during their first pregnancy (because fertility treatments tend to produce more multiple than single births), this book provides much material for mothers who are inexperienced. As a result, this book can seem boring or repetitive to a mother who wants to know only how to deal with the differences between raising twins and raising singletons.

However, no mother has ever raised children perfectly and there is much wisdom in this book about dealing with babies as people. Even if you feel that you know everything about raising one child, you can probably get some ideas for improvement in this new pregnancy. We all have room for improvement.

The main emphasis on this book is on breastfeeding (as seen in the title). So if you are not breastfeeding, you can omit much of the book. But if you are, the many photos of different safe but restful breastfeeding positions for feeding two babies at once are worth the price of the book.

The problem of feeding will be a major one, whether breastfeeding or not. If you have identical twins, they will probably be hungry, thirsty, tired, and need a diaper change at the same time. For some mothers, this is great news because of making scheduling easier. (Even in our 40's, my sister and I had the same eating and bathroom and sleeping patterns---makes travel much easier!) But remember that this means that you must do double the work at the same time. For some mothers, this is too much strain, especially when babies are heavier. There is also less opportunity to make this an individual encounter with increased bonding if both are being looked after at the same time. Such a pattern also causes difficulty in later years when the multiples have developed the need to do things together. When one cannot do something without the other, it is an unhealthy habit that is better prevented than broken.

On the other hand, if you have fraternal twins, their cycles can be totally different, even to the extent of them needing to be put in separate rooms. This means waking up twice as often at night. But that is basically the only problem. It takes just as much time to feed or change 2 babies 12 times a day at the same time each as it does to feed or change 2 babies 12 times a day at different times.

The author is wise enough to realize that you cannot set a feeding schedule for a baby. The baby sets the schedule according to his metabolism. You learn the signals and adjust the feeding, increasing the time as the baby ages. To try to put 2 babies, especially fraternal twins, on the same schedule is the same as trying to get them both to go to the toilet at the same time when they are potty training. You probably prefer to go to the toilet when you feel like it rather than when someone tells you it is time. Babies are no different. Their metabolism tells them when they are hungry or tired. If you try to change them, not recognizing their individual metabolisms, you are showing yourself to them as a parent who, despite loving them, is not able to meet their basic needs. Actions like this, of trying to override a baby's basic individual physiology can lead to insecurity and physical problems in later life.

The second half of the book deals with raising multiples in an environment so that the family dynamics do not change negatively... how to maintain loving supportive relationships with the husband, how to make older siblings feel a valuable part of their new babies' lives rather than feeling jealous or neglected, how to maintain your own self-esteem, how to re-form your past relationships which are surely to change as a result of having multiples, etc. For example, you will find that it is much more difficult visiting or socializing when there are 2 babies to watch, especially in a home that has not been baby-proofed. You will probably also find that invitations to visit come much less frequently for the same reason. On the other hand, this is not a big loss. Real socializing cannot occur when babies need to be watched every minute when they are awake and when they cannot be safely put in the beds in the home in which you are visiting. Most homes do not have 2 cribs and if they do, the cribs likely have occupants. Setting up one pack 'n play seems to require a University degree; bringing from the car and setting up (and taking down) 2 pack 'n plays just for a short visit seems to beyond the limits of reasonable expenditure of time for the length of the visit.

Sadly, adult beds are not safe for infants even if they are not yet rolling. At the time of our babies, some infant twins were taken to a home with their mother and put on a water bed for their sleep while the mother was visiting. Both babies died on that bed by suffocation. Many people have memory foam mattresses or toppers which may or may not be safe, depending on the firmness of the mattress.

The book describes the special bonding and special interactions between multiples, and how to encourage the babies as individuals. As an identical twin myself and the mother of fraternal twins, I can appreciate the importance and quality of her advice... in not comparing the "benchmarks" of the two or allowing others to make comparisons within their hearing. Our girls are adults, one of whom is now the mother of twin boys (due in a few months). I never noticed and still have no idea which one walked first or was toilet trained first or spoke first... This kind of comparison causes unfair competition in children who will be in close association for years.

The author also talks about how important it is to interact individually with each multiple and not to treat them as a unit. I can relate to that, having been described as "one of the twins" for years. I still have difficulty remembering details about people's physical characteristics. I do not notice details like hair color, eye color, height, etc. I have a difficult time remembering faces and names. But I can tell you what is going on inside the person. Because the only people who really got to know me were people who looked beyond physical characteristics to my personality, I learned to relate to people on this level. I still remember people lining us up to look us over closely like a piece of produce in the grocery store to see in what ways we were different so that they could tell us apart. Even 50 years later, my sister and I cannot tell us apart in photos especially if we are wearing generic boating or backpacking gear. But most people tried only to tell us apart by visual differences and not by who we really were.

Our girls came home from their first day of kindergarten asking us what twins were because the children at school had been asking them if they were twins. We never used the word "twins". Although I thought this behavior might be radical, I felt it was important for our girls to feel just like every other sibling. It is nice to read that the author also takes this position.

She talks about how to deal with the time demands which will be phenomenal, from meal preparation to baby aids like slings, swings, jumpers, walkers, etc. that can "hold" one or both babies (and the dangers of overuse to the physical development of the babies.)

This is a major weakness of the book. She talks as though these time problems can be solved by hiring help (if you are a stay-at-home mom or if you are temporarily away from work on a reduced income, it is unlikely that there is room in the budget for regular adult help.) Most people do not have friends who will bring over meals for the next 18 months while your life slowly gets back to normal. Or who are loyal enough or love you enough to come and do your housework.

Most people do not have friends or family who are willing to help for extended periods of time, and many of those who "help" simply bring disruption. If there is barely enough time to look after basic needs, there is not additional time to deal with "help" or company who need to be shown what to do or who think that they are helping by socializing when you really just want to sleep. She does have good suggestions (which few people would have the courage to implement) like putting a sign on the door saying "We are sleeping. Please come back at 3 pm." so that unexpected visitors do not need to be dealt with... 5 minutes on the porch can extend to 20 minutes of lost sleep, and more if you feel an obligation to invite them inside. Stop them at the door. There is much practical advice along this line.

However some of her ideas just would not work, like inviting friends over to have a party while they all help make a meal. News flash... your babies need almost constant attention. Most adult social interactions will not occur if you get up every 5 minutes to feed or change or hold or bathe a baby or give attention to a toddler. A social event like this will end up being a get together of people in your house whom you have no time to interact with, at the cost of more noise than your household needs, and less opportunity for you to get needed rest. Hiring a sitter so you can go out with your husband is not quite realistic either when you probably would prefer hiring a sitter to look after the babies so you both can go to bed... to catch up on weeks of lost sleep.

She describes well the different "play" relationships that form between multiples, ones which you would not normally experience even if you have a toddler close in age to the babies. I could not relate to most of the situations described because we did not experience them. We did not have sibling jealousy or fighting. Part of this is because we raised our children as individuals and let them know that we loved them all the same. I remember many times when all 3 of our toddlers would sit on a lazy boy chair with me while I read a story to them. I bottle fed our girls by necessity not by choice. So if one girl was being fed by me, our son would help to feed the other. But I am not an expert in mothering multiples as this author is, and I think it is worthwhile reading about her experiences of interactions between multiples, especially in areas of discipline.

The book describes well the special need for separation of multiples on occasion so that they learn to develop their skills without depending on or following the actions of the other(s). Most parents do not think about this and the world usually does not either. I had to request that our girls be put in separate classrooms wherever possible because I felt that they needed this separation in order to develop without depending on each other. I also felt that they needed time away from each other where they could learn and grow without fearing that everything they did would be reported at home by the other sibling.

There is simply too much in this book to review. Even listing the topics would take pages.

This is not a book to read to prepare you for multiples. It is a book to read as you experience your multiples during pregnancy, childbirth, infancy, toddlerhood and even preschool age. It is not a book to read once... it is a reference manual to be consulted frequently as you go through the process of raising multiples.

I recommend this book highly (even though I do not agree with all of it, what I do not agree with might still work for you).

Also I recommend this book be read by other family members especially aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. who need to understand your special challenges at this time.

And of course, the very special joys of having multiples.

Pros...there were some helpful tips, and the hippies in all the pictures were entertaining. But there is a lot to this book that was incredibly dated (don't get me wrong, the 80's were fun!) It's a little sad that this is the most recent book on the topic available in my library system. A lot of the feeding recommendations have changed in the last 25 years or so, and while I am an avid supporter of breastfeeding, the lactivist propaganda at certain points of this book was ridiculous and not supportive. I would not recommend this book to others, hopefully future editions fixed these problems.